Finding the 'Lost' Me

 Little I knew how much I missed doing things that I had enjoyed doing in my life. I was so engrossed chasing, fighting, wasting all matters that didnt even matter. Can I get back all that lost? Never. Past few years was like living in a dream. What differs it wasnt a dream but a reality. Looking back, I wish I had done it better, of course but there is no point crying over spilt milk. I miss expressing emotions, thoughts, opinions, views. I missed to realise that writing is a form of 'mind detox' which I often indulge. Wandering in my own world, finding solace in every words that I write, crafting life stories, chanelling energy.

Recently I stumbled upon a book 'Man's Search For Meaning' by Viktor E.Frankl. It was given by a dear friend, someone whom I would not imagine to be my friend, whom appeared in a weirdest way, but yet a friendship I would treasure forever. Quoting one of Viktor E.Frankl's quote which says “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

It is the time we allocate for ourselves that matters the most. As such as we do not want to do it, but, it is important to realise how desperately we need it. No one would be able to do it for you, except yourself. What it takes is the courage to make changes. The only control you have is yourself, as you can't change people nor you can make them change for you. Hard to accept, but this is the reality we have to face. Lets learn to embrace the truth that only me, me and me is needed to survive. 

Happiness in a cup of coffee

The Demon & Angel

The demon inside me demands a lot of things recently. However, there is also an angel. While I'm finding it hard to listen in balancing manner, I'm more inclined towards the demon. As people say having negative thoughts tend to attract negative things. I should rather say ideally the demon should be kicked out of my mind but I'm just a normal human being. I do not know how to do that or rather to control it. 

The angel says ignore everything around you. Let go all the burdens which have been sitting on your shoulder for so long. It is important for self healing. Do you want to focus on yourself or others? Angel also says there is no such things as expectations. It only creates pain, miseries and sufferings. Accept the reality that peace comes when do you expect nothing from others. Detachment is necessary. While this is completely true, as I said I'm just a normal human being (It would have been so much easier if I was made as a robot).

Having saying that, no one can run away from reality. Even though we do not want it, or think about it, nothing can be done to ignore it. Rather, painfully swallow it as though it is one bitter pill. A better way is to trick the mind to give some things to focus and ponder upon. Of course, it is hard said than done. But, most of the time, or maybe all the time, the greatest influence is none than other but ourselves, our dearest twin who is born and will die together. Over time, we, painfully learn many life lessons, making us wiser and wiser. We will talk less, think more and sometimes keep silent knowing it is just merely waste of time and effort.

While life journey continues, we shall say bring it on to me - whatever it is, I'm ready to face you.

~ When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves - Viktor E.Frankl

Just one flower is sufficient to bring 

joy to the entire plant

The last day of 2022 - Reflection

 I guess it is a perfect time today, now, to reflect a year in history. What I have done as 365 days went by? One thing for sure, there was a change in mindset, I would say something that came about not voluntarily for sure, but somehow "forced". We humans tend to be too confortable in our own cocoons, don't we? We love the routine activities so much that it consumes you over time and we forget to change. Of course, sometimes change is triggered voluntarily but most of time we do not change unless it is forced. Nevertheless, an attempt to change is good :-)

As for me, I think I have enhanced my level of self-awareness so much, starting from last year, and, it is all for good. For past many years, I had been so engrossed focusing in other people's life that I have forgotten mine, so hence, I have started to reclaim what belongs to me. Even though there had been incidents that sort of tried to steer back into the my old life, but I think so far I have been doing good. The key word is "FOCUS". Never lose your focus on what is the utmost priority to you. Once you have this engraved in your heart and brain, everything else becomes easier to manage.

Reminder to me and also for the coming year would be - only put in energy in what matters most. What is life if there is no negativity? It would not be called life isn't ? Ups and downs, challenges, surrounded by humans with complex minds. Navigating thru all these hurdles would be something that I need to master and come out from it successfully. And what matters the most is myself and nothing else. Hope 2023 brings me a journey of peace, wisdom and accomplishments of self-nurturing.

Mind, Body and Soul

Everything has got a trigger point. As a human we are so used to of robotic life. A robot does what has been programmed to. Input, process, output. A routine. Life which has been put on auto mode. Morning, afternoon and night. What are the activities in between are commitments towards people around you. Drawn, taken and sucked into web of things. So when do you actually have time for yourself, just you? There is none. Sadly this is the reality.

And it bites you really hard when you are confronted with this truth. Making it worse when you have been thrown with a trigger point that makes you think what have I done to myself? You started to think where have all these years gone? Have I not been thinking of myself? Am I being so busy caring and thinking of others but I forgot about one person that is myself? Have been putting everyone else in front of me in all matters but I did not realize that I'm missing something?

It is like someone taking a pail of water and throwing over your head. Wake up! Where have you been? Look at what you have done to yourself. You have created miseries and inflicted fears and wounds because you forgot about your self. You have lost in a thick and dense jungle. You saw everyone there but you not yourself. You helped everyone to overcome their challenges but you failed in your own race. It takes a long time to realize or even to get a slightest hint of what has transpired over the years. And we are talking about decades.

So, people say everything happens for a reason. It is a trigger point that serves as an indication to tell you to sit and reflect upon yourself. It is cause and effect. Histories, past events would flash in front of you which you wished you can go back and change it. But alas, you don't have a time machine to do it. Regretting upon past actions are useless. Thinking about it is even worst. But there is one good thing came out of it. Realization of truth. Depiction of your mental state. So they say - Mind, Body and Soul. 3 golden words.

Reflection

There is such thing as good time, isn't. Each moment is a good time. This is what life is trying to teach you. But you would not understand that easily, don't you? You are so caught up with your little or big daily stuffs you do each time and you hardly have time to reflect upon yourself. Those days of past 3 years, how would you describe it ? No words. Battles of inner demons. Never ending arguments with self. Pointing finger back to you. Questions were raised, how worthy are you? Then you get into the endless of games of blames. But, it is actually no one to be blamed at the end.

So, even if it was running away from reality, it was a decision which was never regretted even a bit. Going back into the world of education was the best feelings in the whole wide world. Walking past the rows of racks full of books one after another, surrounded by quietness and breath of knowledge is an indescribable feelings. It is like craving for more and more but there is no time. You long for it but you are forbidden to have it. Enjoyed every moment of this. Surrounded by circle of unknowns who later became known, exchange of opinions and advices made you think there is definitely a bigger world out there.

The period of 1.5 years was indeed some kind of nectar. It will be missed forever. As tough you were on express train. You gotta catch it before you miss it. It was a sweet escapade. Brought relief to cluttered mind when you channel the darkness inside you to something worthy. It made you feel worthy too. Probably that was the expectation. To get the answer to the riddle which was tormenting you for years. The puzzle piece which was missing. Even though you know this was not what you are looking for. The end result is face the monsters residing in you. The monsters who would lay out straight the truths inspite knowing all the pains that would be caused.

All the hard work paid off. It was truly an experience which cannot be bought over with money. Memories that would last forever. Trips after work, sacrifices during weekends, these were too expensive not to be mentioned. The outcome is an opened mind to think holistically, ability to face your fears and an option to choose whether you want to spend your time wisely or waste time unnecessarily. Assignments, deadlines, presentations, exams...just amazing, stretches your ability, making the impossible to be possible. At the end, indeed, it was all possible. Make many friends along the way. Few gotten close. Just one thing lacking was time. It flew away too fast. I wasn't allowed to step back and ponder. But it was still fresh in mind. It would stay as good memories forever thats for sure. Maybe I had my time in this phase.

What came next as thunder and lightning pushed you aside. Ain't sure how to describe it. As tough you knew it was coming but you denied it. Maybe you were a coward not to face it. But I decided I had enough. Its ripped apart bit of pieces of my heart. Few incidents followed thru. Seemed like I was in fantasy land. A bubble blowed up in dream. Its just that this time was real. They said life teaches you many lessons. Indeed, it is. Humility, gratefulness, back to basics. Nothing else matters. Life is good to you.

The Butterfly with Broken Wings

The Butterfly with Broken Wings

She noticed how beautiful she is under the morning Sun 
Blazing rays of lights across her colorful wings 
So delicate that warms her heart 
Small little flutters shakes her little wings 

She sees the bright skies up above her 
They are like soft cottons floating in the air
How she wish she could touch those skies with her wings!
Embracing the freedom she always wanted 
Unlocking the grips, unreleasing the locks 
To meet with unknown adventures which she dares to dream 
She feels so excited suddenly, so energized
To realise the dreams which she always think of
She knows what she wants
As she lifts her wings, it feels so heavy 
Just then she realized, they are broken
Overwhelmed with grief, she mourns 
For the life she once had, the freedom which shaped her identity 
Now it is all futile, her destiny looks hazy
Frozen with fear she remains unperturbed till her fate is decided
As she is the butterfly with broken wings...

Ipoh - 1st Sept 2017

We decided to do something different this time rather than just sitting home and filling up our stomachs with good home cooked food. Hence, we headed to Ipoh enroute to explore some new places. On the way to Ipoh, we found this interesting place called Gaharu Tea Valley at Gopeng. "HOGA" stands for Holistic Gaharu. Something new where you get to taste tea made of "gaharu" tree barks. Plenty of gaharu trees. Visit the website, you will learn more about it. They have rides to 3 different stations where you can experience standing at view points to see gaharu trees at high up. Nice soothing eye sights to enjoy. "Lover's Park" and "Hugging trees" are the main attractions. There is also a place where you can enjoy Hoga tea for free and purchase other merchandises.

Funtasy House Trick Art located at Market street, busy place located at Ipoh town. Busy with people and plenty of food. Many interesting art work for explorations. The day we went was a public holiday, hence, it was crowded with people. A little patience, you will get to snap pictures and get back your investment.

We went to Gunung Lang Recreational Park, it was equally crowded as well with full occupied parking. I guess it was okay because that gave way to go to next destination to Kellie's castle at Gopeng. Intriguing, fascinating and mysterious place. It brings you back to almost 100 years ago to experience the priceless moments. The unfinished castle, hidden underground tunnels, ghostly balcony where Smith was spotted. Somehow missed the most haunted place - the basement which was supposed to be storing wine bottles. Spiral staircases leading to secret underground tunnel, eerie pathways will make you wonder what Smith was up to long time back. There were elevator shaft which was never installed, quite freaky to see to be honest. This place makes you wish to be transported to the past to witness and experience the greatness. Overall, it was a great trip, castle being the best.

Kinta River

Old Kellas House, ruined by WWII

Kellie's castle, standing high

Underground tunnel ventilation hole

Remnants of old Kellas House

One of the 14 rooms

Spiral staircase

Setting at the living room

Not a place for kids to run around!

~ the end ~